On the first week of 2018, I felt that I could not keep on living in the apartment in Shiva Garden Home Stay anymore where I would see him every day and would be surrounded by 50 to 70 people daily when all I wanted was a quiet private place to write, work and to live with my daughters. I needed my own private space away from him and from the hustle of Shiva Garden , to find myself again, my own energy.
A PRAYER, IT’S ALL WE NEED
On the very first day I went to search for houses to rent, around the 3rd of January, I was walking on the road, the midday sun was heating my head and I asked to Durga, (the Hindu Goddess that personifies the Woman Warrior), to please bring me a beautiful house for me to live with my daughters. Well, that same day destiny put this very nice rickshaw boy in my way, (I knew previously from taking me and the babies a few times to the school), and when he knew I was looking for a house, he looked at me for a few seconds, and he knew, intuitively, what was going on. He told me in a very confident way:
“Come with me, I have The House for you”.
He took me to a place, around 10 minutes walking distance from the main beach and from Shiva Garden, in a very quiet and peaceful residential area.
This was a big land with two ground floor houses and a big rooftop covering both of them. One house on the front, and other one on the back side. Both houses had been renovated very recently, it was still smelling to paint. A nice piece of land in front and another good piece of land on the back.
The front side house has a living room with balcony, a nice spacious kitchen and two rooms with toilet. The back side house has two rooms with toilet and balcony and a kitchen. I asked the price of the front house and when he told me, I knew I could afford it. It was a bit over the budget, so I asked if we could put down the price so I could afford it and the land owner agreed, (another Angel that God sent to me).
I immediately felt this is the place for me and my daughters. No neighbors around the house, privacy, full of trees and a lovely ground floor house. The babies were going to have for the first time their own room! What else could I ask? It was just perfect! I stayed with the front side house.
I informed Jayan and he was flowing with the decision, it all felt right for both of us. For my surprise he was in agreement and made all the moving from Shiva Garden very easy and flowing. I could take some things I needed from our apartment for the new house. I have been praying for this to be like that, and God Herd me.
The Friday 5th of January, I pay the 3 months in advance for the front house and that same day I received a hug from 7 women’s (a friend told me it was one for each chakra).
Two of them, Nora and Connor, (two more earth angels), they had just arrived on that same day from Holland and Latvia, specifically to work with me under the Karma Yoga Program. They end up on the next week helping me with all the moving.
SYNCHRONICITY OF THE UNIVERSE
That same Friday, 5th of January 2018, while on the house with the land owner, he was checking the front door lock and I saw some words written on the metal part where we put the key. When I came closer to read, it was…SHAKTI. (!!!…) Shakti is a Sanskrit word that means Woman, Feminine Energy, the feminine side of Shiva.
I could not believe it! Over the last couple of months I had these words tingling on my head “Shakti Home…Shakti Home…Shakti Home” No special reason, I just thought I could rent a place with some rooms and rent them out, and this name was constantly in my head. When I saw these words on the front door, I could not believe it! Now definitely it felt right that this house fall on my lap in such an easy way and that felt so right for me to rent it. There was a story to be written here, still to open up over the future. I was literary being Divinely Guided.
And the most curious is that last June, in our vacations to Bali, Jayan asked in a surf factory to make a surf board to rent in Shiva Garden and he did a new logo with Yin-yang and the name on the board. He put ShivShakti. (!!!…)
…It’s all written already…
THE PAIN OF LEAVING A DREAM
I spent the weekend at home with the babies, it was the Full Moon week and I was with my period. That weekend, especially the Saturday night my inner spring opened up and I cried an ocean of tears. Fortunately I had my friend Manela, (living in Argentina), with me in Shiva Garden, who gave me very good supportive words and straight. Rivers of tears fallen down on my face. Tears of sadness, because I always dreamed a lifelong relationship with a men that would be the one I had chosen to be the father of my babies. But I was wrong. It was a wrong belief. One more…Tears of sadness because these babies could not grow up seeing a happy marriage and an example of love between a men and a woman.
I cried because I was so sad that I put so much illusion on this relationship and it didn’t work. Illusion is the right word. As a co-dependent I created an illusion of the perfect relatioship and that he was my hero. I had putted him too high. Actually this is in fact what we learn in the fairy tails when we are children.That the girls are princesses and the prince, the hero of the story, came to save them from the bad ones. But…in reality, who save the princess from the prince?…
And it’s here that we have to start tell different stories to our daughters, they will be the woman’s of the future generation. We have to teach them that woman’s are not the fragile princess waiting for the prince to save her. We have to teach them that woman’s are warriors, brave, independent and courageous. Independently that there is a love story and there is a men with them. We have to teach our daughters that a love relationship is supposed to be safe, nurturing and supportive from both sides. Manela brought me two books like these ones and I highly recommend them. It’s the Anti-Princess Books (available in several languages), that teach a new generation of princess stories. This princess are the ones who save, who fight side by side with their partner. It’s a new generation of heroines. And that’s exactly these stories that we have to tell our daughters.
And in this illusion I licked the wounds of the emotional injuries that he was doing me over the time. I thought the error was in me and so I went on constantly excusing him telling myself he is a good men, and trying to fix me, with healing and a rigorous spiritual practice, in order to calm myself and keep some mental clarity, cost what it cost. I denied me immensely in several aspects, including health, in order to fulfill his needs, wants and requests. I became a shadow of what I was before. I annulled myself until the point where I was not living anymore. I was hardly surviving. I felt myself dying slowly and in silence and coming out of this relationship and away from him was the only way to live again, to see the colors of life again, and to breathe again with my own oxygen.
And still I was so so sad. I left a few long term relationships before and I never cried so much and felt so much pain as in this one. In some other abusive relationships, when I left I just felt relieve and a sense of freedom. In one in particular, (the best one I had) I felt nostalgic and sad. In this one I felt so much sadness, so much pain, so much deep. Could it be because we had these two little babies and I was giving them no more the vision of seeing their parents together? Could it be because these was the longest relationship I’ve been and there was so much abuse in it?, (in private and in a very subtitle way that only me could see). Was I grieving for myself, for letting me being emotionally, financially and through all my work, resources, time and energy I have given to Shiva Garden for free? I don’t know. Today I still don’t know. It was just all very sad. But I had to go. This was it.
Around 4ham I was on the garden on my last night in Shiva Garden and I wrote this:
“I have my heart broken in thousand peaces.
I try to glue them together but the tears in my eyes don’t let me see well those little pieces.
I move myself through the changes without knowing which force is pushing me forward.
Just a inner knowing that I have to.
For me, for him, for my daughter’s, for my ancestors and for the ones who still are yet to come.
I grieve in Silence my pain,
The pain of allowing me to Feel me without fear and not closing my eyes to it anymore.
Allowing myself to feel the pain and the emptiness and move through.
It’s like diving on a big wave, rolling inside it like in a washing machine,
Felling lost, doubts, but knowing that
This is the Way and that I have just to let myself go.
After crossing the waves, a flat tranquil sea is waiting… hopefully.
But still crossing the waves, so much water, so much pain, grieve and tears.
So shall I face this with naked feet on the Earth, my womb bleeding on a Tree, taking my heart from my chest and place it on my hands.
I offer my will to God, to the Goddess, and may Thy will be made.
I keep listening You… I keep listening You… whispering silent messages inside me.”
WHAT EXAMPLE OF “A WOMAN” DO YOU WANT TO PASS TO YOUR CHILDREN AND THE NEXT GENERATION?
I decided that my daughters would not grow up assisting to their parents fighting each other or seeing their mother constantly sad and frustrated because she was holding on to an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship in change of an apparent security or an illusion of material security. I grew up seeing this and it was far away from being a good environment for me to grow. This has made me attract the “wrong” partners into my experience and struggle so much in love relationships. Well, its not by chance that the sign of my Karmic Astrology is the Karma of Love. So in the end, it’s all right, all like it was meant to be.
I would not give as an example of a woman to my daughters as a frustrated powerless bitter sad angry and resented woman, as my mother gave to me.
I want my two daughters to learn by the first example of a woman that they have that is their mother, that a woman can be an empowered one, a brave and courageous one and also loving, that still believe in freedom, love and happiness, that makes what it takes to keep these three words alive in her life. I want them to learn that a woman has the right to decide for her own life and for the best options for her own well-being. I want them to learn that a woman does not have to put herself in last place just because is a woman or a mother. I want them to learn that there is no last place or first place between sexes. There is only one place of equality and fairness and everything what is less than that, they don’t have to stand for it. I want them to understand that they can decide differently, if they choose to do so.
It’s also interesting to note that In my healing and counseling work over the years, all the clients I have that had parents fighting each other and in an unhappy marriage, they said that things improved a lot after they got separated, while they were little children. All of them say that it was good they separated because the fights stopped and they had more peace. This is a very interesting insight to get from adults that saw their parents separated while they were child’s, and grew up like that. The ones who were already teenagers when their parents got separated, most of them say that it was much more difficult and painful for them. While they are still child’s, the hole process is more lighter than when it’s a teenager going through a separation and divorce between their parents. All the separation process is felt in a different way depending if they are small children or teenagers.
THE “RAINBOW GENERATION”
I put myself not in a place of a mother, but in a place of a Woman. And I asked myself: “Do I want my daughters grown up seeing their mother often sad and depressed? Is this the example of a woman that I want to pass to them?
The answer was No. My daughters are Here do to meaningful stuff even if that is just to bring more light to other people just with their shining energy of pure love (and who already had the opportunity to meet them personally, knows, exactly what I am talking about). They are here as a part of a group of big old souls in little bodies that incarnated in this “Rainbow Generation” of children’s that started to born after the year 2000, to keep on with the work of their parents, the Indigo Children (born around the 70’s and 80’s), and the Crystal Children (Born around the 80’s to the year 2000) So knowing this, and as they are from feminine sex, I could never be less than an example of a woman that respect and love herself, is independent, strong, intelligent, and still, loving.
Yes, over these last years I almost had forgotten that I was all this and much more, except when some students, clients, close friends and acquaintances would remind me of it with their reviews, letters and emails of gratefulness for my work with them or some close friend would remind me of my value. Being in this relationship, by being often minimized and pushed down, I forgot my own value.
SHAKTI HOME – THE GODDESS’S RESPONSE TO A PRAYER
And so, on the next Monday and Tuesday, 8th and 9th of January, me, Nora and Connor started all the packing. On Monday we took some boxes to the house and on Tuesday a truck came and took the big stuff. On Tuesday Nora stayed with me to finishing packing while Connor spend the day on the new house cleaning and unpacking. In these “moving” days, while I was packing, I had so much doubts coming on my head. So much doubts. The voice of the mind, the one who learn what society and parents teach us, telling me, “This is not right”, “You should stay and try again”, “You can still be happy together” But it was not true. Narcissistic people do not change (or rarely do). Just for a few days and them it all comes back again. More than a normal person, as a co-dependent I had 40 years of experiences with narcissistic people from my parents to love relationships and bosses. I know how their minds work.
I shut down that voice and I kept going on packing all the stuff in automatic pilot. I know, that if I didn’t had the help of Nora and Connor I could not do it all alone. I would not have the straights or energy. It was like an invisible force was pushing me to stay. It was just amazing how without planning absolutely nothing, all felt into place and the Universe putted these two woman’s helping me with all the moving. It was just all too unbelievable. From the many many times that I moved house, (around fourteen times in 22 years), this was the very first time I had 4 extra harms helping me. I felt like Durga, with 6 arms and hands.
This for me, it was a clear sign that this HAD to happen. I HAD to move from there, for my own well-being and for the good of my daughters.
Two woman’s helping me out with this moving. Three Woman’s in a place with the word SHAKTI on the front door of the main house. And to add all this, the number on the front house is “409”, 4+9 is 13, the magic number, the number of the woman’s, the number of the Holly Mother of Jesus (13th of May) the number of the witches. How much more magical could it be? How much more synchronized the Universe could be for me? No, actually I was synchronized with the Universe and so, that’s when its like that…that’s when the Magic Happens.
But hey, don’t take this number 13 as negative, in ancient times, many woman’s and men’s who were persecuted, tortured and burned on the fire of Inquisition, accused to be witches and sorceresses, they were in fact healers that were using their ancient knowledge, herbs, crystals, astrology and other healing gifts to heal and help people. In our days these souls incarnated again to keep going their work. They are the therapists of our-days, the astrologists, the healers, the shamans, the yoga teachers and many other amazing professionals working on the alternative area.
Without previously planned this, I moved on Tuesday 9th of January 2018, exactly 6 years after I traveled from Portugal to India to live with him (9th January 2012). It was amazing coincidence. Could it be…just coincidence?…
Don’t miss the next article: The opening of the “Shakti Home” the new Homestay in Varkala.
A WORD OF GRATEFULNESS
Thank you to all the readers, friends, acquaintances and of course, my older brother who all are giving me a priceless support with their comments, feed back of my writing, private messages on messenger, email and whats app, and for the ones who are here in this season in South India, in person giving me the touch, the straight and the words to keep me moving forward. You Are the fuel that keep me writing for you. My story is not much different than many others lived in silence. I am not special or more than any other. I am just sharing my journey. Thank you all for being “there” and here with me.
Written by Sonia Indigo
4th February 2018, Varkala, South India
Photography credits : Neta Kahila (1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th images)
Image credits Mariharistudio (last image)